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Saturday, May 14, 2011

GBN | GSMI | O2 WEEKEND | > Erotic Intelligence


by Dr. Damigos; PhD

"One should always be in love. That is why you should never marry '
Oscar Wilde

According to Newsweek magazine a marriage is considered inactive when the couple had sex less than 10 times year.
Does the marriage, after a few years, starts to become 'white'?

At first the couples enjoy sex almost daily. After two years, the sex is on average 13 times a month. In the fifth year of marriage contacts are limited to four times a month. In the seventh year, things reach a breaking point and it seems that once a month is enough.

 Sex is now the big absentee from the routine of marriage. People are too busy with their jobs, anxious, preoccupied with raising children and too tired for sex.

Though, the psychologist Esther Perel suggests, stress is not the real reason for the decline of sex in marriage. The problem stems from the fact that sex in marriage is becoming complacent. This is ultimately what  drives couples to divorce. There is a lack of the erotic element.

According to Perel, sexual boredom is due to great intimacy. Of course, love blossoms in an atmosphere of closeness, reciprocity and equality, but care and protectionism block the carefree spirit of sexual pleasure. "There is a difference in loving and want someone to love," says Perel. And ultimately it comes to infidelity and divorces are increasing exponentially.
"I always had the idea among the psychologists' notes  Perel," that when there is a problem in sex, it is therefore a problem that exists in the relationship. So try to correct the problem of the relationship and then sex is supposed to improve.
But things are not so. After 20 years of discussions with many couples, I have concluded that the relationship can be improved, but have no effect on sex. Sexuality stands alone as a parallel story in the relationship. "

Perel insists that what improves sex, is distance. When we see our partner from a distance, when coming from the gym or when speaking with others, the erotic desire is revived. But in marriage we see our partner close up, continuously. So we need to create a little distance... and the space between the two partners can forge eroticism.
According to Perel, evil begins when someone loves you because he / she wants to minimize the risk of losing their partner, in other words, seeking safety. The affectionate love growing in marriage, spoils the sex.

A lot of affection hurts sex!!! Sex is connected with the mystery and the unknown, not being knows everything about one another. "You do not need to know your partner as your pocket because then you do not have anything left to discover" says Perel.
Unfortunately, marriage is the opposite of mystery. It's about stability and security. To return to the Passion, intimacy should be reduced.
This proposal sounds heretic. But for Perel, couples who live together should create such conditions that resemble those that existed at the beginning.   I see couples are both good friends who can no longer be lovers. I see desperate people from sexual boredom, willing to risk everything for a few moments of prohibited encounter.

Another study shows that women love men whose feelings remain mysterious!





Sex should not be left to chance but to "prepare," says Perel

Infidelity is not related to the lack of love and communication, as some people think."I question the widespread view that infidelity is always a symptom of deeper problems in a relationship,"says Perel. "Illegal relations are triggered by countless reasons unrelated to the mistakes made in a marriage. And one of those reasons is sex-related. Many who commit adultery are relatively satisfied with their relationship, but share an urge for risking in sex. Underground encounters act as an aphrodisiac.
"A certain rawness can help the expression of desire," says Perel.  Planning may seem pedestrian, but in reality, it ads real tangible value to sex.  
Think!!! What we did before we married when dating?
Then think about what to wear, to go, what to drink, what music to hear ... The woman takes care of  herself, shaves her legs, puts makeup and most importantly removes any inhibitive thoughts.
When sex is spontaneous,  the erotic atmosphere and an element of impatience are lost.
Sex is best when planned... so I urge my patients not to be spontaneous.
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